So Choose Life…

Do you ever just feel left out? Even when life is full and there is plenty to join in on? There are things you know you're missing out on, and that empty feeling comes lurking back. Tugging your aching heart down with it. I know God has given me a satisfying and full life, and yet I long for more. 

The Omaha church is merging their two services together and as excited I am for them, there's also a hollow feeling knowing I'm not apart of this new beginning with them. Life is moving on without me there. I knew it would, but it doesn't hurt any less seeing it happen now. But I must remember that it's not about me, it's about Him. He told us to become less so He could be greater. The last will be first, He said. And yet my selfishness and pride doesn't want to be left out and forgotten. It fights every step of the way off that stage.

Reading this book about this girl who went to Uganda, my heart longs for something crazy like that. With friends in Nepal and hearing so many stories of You in these other countries, it's been on my mind a lot lately. And yet at the same time I know there are so many fears and hardships with it, but still I long for it. I feel restless. Discontent. I long to do something crazy for the Lord (at least for a few months), but yet I know this is where God has me right now. He hasn't called me to leave, at least not right now. And I know He's trying to teach me to be content with Him right where I'm at. 

Since moving to Lincoln life feels like it has ramped up 500%. Sometimes looking back to my life in Omaha, I'm so surprised by how much time I had. What the heck was I even doing?! Here I feel like I have hardly any time to do all the things I need to do. At times I wonder if God will really sufficiently supply. I look ahead to this summer and next fall and get so overwhelmed at the path ahead. Are you sure God? Do you realize the challenges I'm going to face? It feels like too much. But He says to me…

 "I have led you forty years in the wilderness; your clothes have not worn out on you, and your sandal has not worn out on your foot."

Deuteronomy 29:5

"Are not five sparrows sold for two cents? Yet not one of them is forgotten before God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows."

Luke 12:6-7

He has been supplying my every need so far. Even though at times it might feel like the bare minimum, He has not failed on His promise. And surely He will not for my future. Just as He cares for the sparrows and would never forget them, He will for me too.

"For this commandment which I command you today is not too difficult for you, nor is it out of reach. It is not in heaven, that you should say, ‘Who will go up to heaven for us to get it for us and make us hear it, that we may observe it?’  Nor is it beyond the sea, that you should say, ‘Who will cross the sea for us to get it for us and make us hear it, that we may observe it?’  But the word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that you may observe it.

Deuteronomy 30:11-14

“See, I have set before you today life and prosperity, and death and adversity…So choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants, by loving the Lord your God, by obeying His voice, and by holding fast to Him"

Deuteronomy 30:15, 19-20

He is asking me once again to choose the narrow road. To choose to give up my wants, my dreams, my own plans and follow Him. It may not be what I want, or how I would choose, but He tells me He knows the bigger picture. He hold my dreams and doesn't forget them. He knows my heart. And I can trust Him with it all. 

Beauty in the Ashes

I've been finding myself bogged down by a lot of things lately. Work, tiredness, discouragement, busyness, and on and on… I've felt like I'm drowning in it.

It's easy to focus on the bad, the hard, the roughness of the day, to miss the gold in the mud and mire.  And in it I miss all the little blessings He has for me.  The laughs of my coworkers, the treasure of lunch with a friend, a quiet evening at home hearing from Your word. I want to see the beauty in these little things.

And so when work is stressful…when my sandwich falls in gravel after only a few bites…when traffic is frustrating…when I spill pizza sauce on white shirt…and all in one day…I will choose to find the joy in the little things. I'm learning to rejoice even when it's hard, even though time and time again I fail.  But praise the Lord that I have a Savior who pours His grace over me, no matter how many times I need it each day.  Each time His mercies are new.  

Contentment.

….and life just keeps getting crazier.

Just when I think I've known a lot of change and things won't surprise me too much, God proves me wrong. He always seems to take me around twists and turns I never expect, pushing me to take blindfolded steps of faith. I know it's good for me, but still my flesh battles within me to be content with all the change.

Contentment.

It seems like such an easy thing. But for me this is a huge battleground that I must face. The temptations come from so many areas. As simple as seeing a picture and wishing I was somewhere other than where the Lord has placed me, or being content at work, or with how He is choosing to use me…and I could go on and on.  I must continually remind myself to "be still and know that He is Lord." Time and time again I must slow my heart down and remember that he is enough.

Just as Psalm 23 says "The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not be in want." I know He is enough. I have all I need in Him, yet why do I keep wishing and wanting more?
I don't know why I forget this so often, but I will keep lifting my eyes up to Him, seeking Him for the power to find my contentment purely in Him.

You called me out upon the water

With an unflinching focus on his Savior, Peter stepped out onto the shifting waves.  "Come" Jesus told him. He knew his King was calling out and knew who it was upon that water.  Comforted by the knowledge of His protection among the storm, Peter obeyed, prompted by His leading.  Almost without thought or reason, but with complete faith, He strode to Jesus' side. But in a flash, this moment of faith faded and Peter's clear and focused gaze shifted. With His Savior's eyes no longer in view, he glanced upon the fierce and powerful storm. And at the same moment his feet began to sink. What was, just a few seconds before such great faith, now became dim and blurred. Calling out for Jesus to save him, the King took ahold of his hand and asked him why he doubted. 

This is me.  I am Peter.

I too stepped out upon that water. My faith firm, my confidence steady in Him. I heard his call and knew I must step out of the protection that the boat provided.  My friends were all in that boat. But with a quick goodbye and one careful step after another, I strided after my Savior. At first my eyes were confident, fixed upon him. But then my thoughts began to waver and my feet, beginning to shake, started to sink.  For a split-second, my eyes looked at the storm. 

Jim shared this verse as we all shared about Faithwalkers on New Year's Eve night and what we learned. He shared about how Peter took a step of faith. He stepped out of the boat. Did he fail a little? Yes. Did he take his eyes off Jesus when he shouldn't have? Yes. But Peter also took a step of faith, he stepped out of the boat. He shared about how it's okay to fail. The Lord is perfect so we don't have to never mess up, but He does ask us to try. To step out of the boat. 

To be honest, I have at times been regretting my step out on the water. I've had my eyes fixed upon the storm and questioned if this is destroying my faith. But Peter's faith, although he faltered for a minute, wasn't destroyed. He kept on trying. He continued to step out of the boat for His Savior. Did he fail some down the road? He did. And I will too. But that's okay because I have a Daddy by my side who holds out his hand and gently picks me back up. He brushes off the dirt and mud caked on my clothes and asks me to keep following Him. Praise the Lord for a loving Father never gives up on us!

The Walking Wounded

"The Walking Wounded"
This is exactly how I feel. Mike said this phrase the other day at the Rock to describe a lot of us who moved here to Lincoln.  Day in and day out the devil hasn't relented. I fight off his attacks and get back up, yet still bruised and bleeding. Walking this road I can't see the end in sight. The pathway goes on with twists and turns that I can't predict. The unknown is scary. We have a Savior by our side that says He hold us in His hands and knows the plans He has for us, and yet my heart still pounds as I curve toward the next bend in the road. My faith still trembles when I know it should stand firm in His promise. Thoughts wander when they should be fixed upon His words.  "We are all just one step away." It sent shivers through me as I heard this from Mike as he was praying. I am just one step away. I am not immune. I am not strong on my own. If I don't seek Him, if I don't pick up my cross, I will be taken out. This is a reality I humbly need to be aware of. Praise the Lord that He is my strength, my help, and my hope!

HE is faithful

"Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it"
1 Thessalonians 5:24

On Thursday I went to McDonalds with Linc and Doc as I babysat for LG for Hannah and Shane.  After eating our meal (which takes a VERY long time when you are distracted with such a fun play place right in the other room) we headed off to play.  Immediately when they crawled into the play place they began to meet kids and quickly formed friendships with each other. This one little boy and particular started to join in chasing monsters around with Linc and Doc. He even came and gave Linc a hug saying sorry for pushing him.

What amazes me is how quickly children form these bonds.  They're so quick to trust. Unlike us their guard isn't up sky high for someone to climb over and gain. They don't build up walls keeping people out. Instead they have such a childlike faith. I often think about how the Lord asks us, as well, to have this type of faith. Trust is something that we have had broken so many times, that it becomes hard for us to even allow our hearts to trust our Savior.

Forming friendships here has been more difficult than I thought.  Even after 4 months here I feel like I am still in the process of getting to know these girls on a very basic level. I don't have those close friends that I can go to here. They are being built, but still not there yet.  Trying to bind these bonds of fellowship and at the same time reach out to the lost has been somewhat exhausting. My brain feels like it's on overload most of the time.  I lie down at night tired physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I long for some comfort of friends on this road, but right now my comfort must be found purely in Christ alone. If He has the power to move mountains, form this universe, and raise Christ from the dead, then He must have the power to give me strength in this walk.

Last night we had all church prayer. I was so sick, but I knew my soul needed to be with the saints.  Ben shared Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

As he read this psalm tears started flowing.  Reading this, I was overwhelmed by my Saviors peace, protection and comfort that He gives in the midst of "the darkest valley". He is enough. I lack nothing. Even though I walk through darkness, my cup can overflow.

Then he asked these questions:
1. What things are distracting you right now? What anxious thoughts that you need to yield to the Lord?
2. What ways do you need the Lord to renew your strength in at this moment?
3. What fears are you facing right now that He can help you with?

For each of these questions, there was a billion things that were capturing my thoughts, so many fears, so much that was pulling me down. I am a woman with many fears. And I often allow these fears to take hold and devour my thoughts. But the Lord has and is continuing to teach me to yield them all to Him and to trust with that childlike faith.  He has shown me time and time again that He is faithful. And I must allow my heart to rest in that promise.

your God will come.

I'm feeling ambitious this week…two blog posts! Writing just has a way of calming my soul.  I've decided I want to chronicle this journey to Lincoln. There has been so many challenges that I never expected. I knew it wouldn't be an easy road, but I definitely didn't think rocky path was the way the Lord would take me. Now there is goodness and encouragement in it, but I think my eyes weren't quite open to the roughness that this road would produce. When I thought of a church plant, my mind thought of all the glorious things about it…the beginning of a church, watching it grow, seeing God move in big and mighty ways. All of that is glorious. But what I didn't realize was the mud and dirt mixed all around that. The tiring and weary days of working for the Lord, but seeing very little. Knowing that just like those heroes of the faith before me, I may only "welcome it from a distance." And to still believe that the Lord is good.
This week has been harder than most.  I miss home. Not just in a "aww I miss this or that"…yeah that's part of it. But in a deep longing in my heart miss home. Some days its easier and some days harder, but this week has been a constant struggle for joy. It's one of those weeks where the rain just won't let up, day in and day out the storm remains.  I look up to the heavens, weary of it, but can't find any light shining through the clouds. Going out early each morning to push the plough, the bitter cold burrows into my skin,  leaving me shivering in its midst. I feel my hands slipping more and more as I try to keep a firm grip. Trying to hold on, trying to remember what I'm here for.
Sometimes I just feel forgotten…but I'm sure we all feel like that at some point. And I must remember that He never will. My hands drop to my sides, too weary to raise any higher. I look up once again at the cloudy sky. Hoping, wishing, praying for some relief.
"Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong, do not fear; your God will come'" Isaiah 35:3.
He will come. The sky will break through with sun one day…maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but there is hope in His words.  He will come. 
So lifting my tired eyes once more, I fix my gaze toward heaven. I will watch for You.
I will have hope.

"The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom…Water will gush forth from the wilderness and streams in the desert" Isaiah 35:1,5