Those days when I miss her.

I feel like there are many memories in my childhood that I can't talk about, that are sad and are left unspoken. Something as little as a country music song, and the memory of riding in that silver ford truck of my sister's, with country tunes playing in the background, goes through my mind. Moments that I wish I could tell the world, share these little pieces of my past. But they come with a sorrowful taste that most people probably don't to hear all the time. And so I bite my tongue, words whispered for only ears of my own. 

But I miss her. And sometimes I just want to be able to remember her.

At the sound of the footsteps coming up the stairs, I quickly topple out of the top of my childhood bunk bed. Peering out of the door, I wait with anticipation, hoping that it's her. I'm not even sure how it happened, the way I came to look up to her so much, but she had become my role model. I adored my big sister, wanted to be just like her. 

As soon as I spotted her, I ran right into that purple carpeted room. Dropping onto the waves of her water bed. I eagerly listened about her day, soaking in each moment I got to spend with her. 

I still remember one night so clearly. Like it was etched in my brain. The regret from it, still flowing through my veins. I begin tossing back and forth trying to fall asleep. Listening to the rhythm of the fan, turning and turning. But then I hear a faint, different sound. And quickly realize it's coming from right beside me. Quietly I hear her sob into her pillow. My young mind turns, debating what I should do. Do I try to comfort her with my ten year old wisdom? I desperately want to be able to help her, to be there for her, but I can't think of what to say or even do. So I do nothing. I lay there, pretending to be asleep, listening to the sound of her cry to sleep. 

Crazy how one moment from so long ago can still be so clear in your mind. How I can still feel this regret, wishing I had comforted her, that I had said something, done something that night. But I think that memory has also changed the way I react now. I don't want to let another opportunity go by where I don't give comfort when needed, or give a listening ear, or say words that need to be said. I can't change how I reacted then, but I can change here and now. I am a woman who makes mistakes, but praise the Lord those mistakes don't define me. 

|| Wanderer ||

A few days ago I ready this verse

"Then all the disciples left Him and fled" Matthew 26:56

I never say this about verses in the Bible, but I really don't like this verse. For two reasons:
Every time I read it, my heart sinks and I wish it weren't true. I want the disciples to be strong enough.  I want them to stand with Jesus.  To be there until the last moment of Him being taken away, but they all fail. They all flee. Every single one of them, even though they said they would not.  I think I dislike this verse so much because it shows our frailties.  The disciples were anything but perfect. In our own flesh we are prone to wander and flee. This verse so clearly reminds me that I am weak and prone to drift on my own.

And second I don't like it because I hate that He stood alone. I know, I know, it was a part of His plan. I get it. But I hate that He had to. The feeling of loneliness is something I struggle with quite a bit. And lately I've been feeling it sneaking back in. The devil knows this and uses it to discourage and distract me from God using me. And often I let Him.  I can be surrounded by people and yet feel so so alone. He lurks in the darkness gripping onto the slightest lie he knows I'll believe.  God has grown and taught me a lot in this area, but it is still something I must daily guard myself against and fight to remember His truth.

But amidst the disheartening words in this verse, there is also encouragement. He has gone before me. He has experienced loneliness like I never have before. He knows this road. He understands the pain. And through this passage, He shows me a way to stand even when I may stand alone. By seeking the help from the One who is able to handle it. And then as I continue reading I see the aftermath of Jesus continuing despite walking the lonely path…salvation for the world. And so I'm left with a heart of thanks and praise to my Savior who walked this road ahead of me and didn't give up.

Hold Him, do not let Him go.

I look ahead at the curves in the road, a sense of dread floods over my thoughts. What lies ahead? Difficulties? Rough places? Springs of water? All of it so unknown. Looking down to my feet I scrape off the caked mud that coats my swollen skin. Few footprints mark this road ahead.  Every groove of each foot showing in the dirt below. Darting my gaze in front of me, almost missing it, I watch Him wind the curve ahead. As He drifts from my view, the tears begin to roll once again down my face. I am reminded yet again that the steps ahead of me are paved by my wonderful, gracious Savior. And with a new sense of determination, I march on ahead, following Him.

The next year of 2015 is in full swing. And life sure hasn't slowed down. God has been doing a lot. We started the CWS back in August, and now 5 months later, He has brought so many people and has done so much. It can be easy to look at the hard things, the difficulties of starting up a group, the loneliness you can feel, get caught up in doubts and fears and forget all of what He has done and is doing. That is what God wants me to focus on.

I read today in Exodus about Moses. He said in Exodus 4:10-12
Then Moses said to the LORD, "Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither recently nor in time past, nor since You have spoken to Your servant; for I am slow of speech and slow of tongue." The Lord said to him, "Who has made man's mouth? Or who makes him mute or deaf, or seeing or blind? Is it not I, even I, the Lord? Now then go, and I, even I, will be with your mouth, and teach you what you are to say."

And then later in Exodus 4:22-23
Then Moses returned to the Lord and said, "O Lord, why have You brought harm to this people? Why did You ever send me? Ever since I cam to Pharaoh to speak in Your name, he has down harm to this people, and You have not delivered Your people at all."

Moses doubted what God had planned. He questioned Him and said, "Why did you ever send me?" I am not less a child of God because I doubt. I am not less in His eyes, but God doesn't want me to focus on those doubts. He wants me to bring them to His feet and wants to teach me how to trust Him. He did have a plan for the Israelites. He did have a plan for Moses. And through the whole thing God wanted to show Moses that His plan can be trusted.

"I have had doubts about God's goodness, doubts about God's love, and doubts about overcoming the stubborn, numerous sins that mar my heart, my character, my relationships, and my witness. Yet, through it all, God, by a miracle of his grace, continues to reveal himself and draw me deeper and closer to him" -Because He Loves Me

I can be encouraged because God does have a plan for me, the CWS group, and Candlewood. And He wants to teach me the same thing, that His plan can be trusted!

"The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few"

Isn't it funny how we are amazed when God answers prayer? Like we said we believed He could do it, but yet in the back of our minds, there sat the doubt. Is it really gonna happen? Laying dormant, but not erased. And then amazingly, He actually does what we've been praying and trying to believe him for….and we can hardly believe it!

This has been me. Ever since Cindy moved in December we've been praying this prayer at 1:05 each day. For the Lord to send more workers. With two specifically in mind. And next week one of those workers, Naomi, will be here! For some reason I can't shake this amazement at the Lord. Thinking in my head, "You actually did it, Lord. I've been praying and praying and it's actually happening!" And God probably smiles back at me saying, "Love, if I can? All things are possible to him who believes." He sees those doubts that mingle within my prayers and still longs to answer the cry of my heart. What an amazing God we serve.

I was reading in Isaiah today when I came across this verse:

Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?” Then I said, “Here am I. Send me!”  He said, “Go, and tell this people:

‘Keep on listening, but do not perceive;
Keep on looking, but do not understand.’
“Render the hearts of this people insensitive,
Their ears dull,
And their eyes dim,
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
Hear with their ears,
Understand with their hearts,
And return and be healed.”

 Then I said, “Lord, how long?” And He answered,

“Until cities are devastated and without inhabitant,
Houses are without people
And the land is utterly desolate,
“The Lord has removed men far away,
And the forsaken places are many in the midst of the land. “Yet there will be a tenth portion in it,
And it will again be subject to burning,
Like a terebinth or an oak
Whose stump remains when it is felled.
The holy seed is its stump.”

I remember reading this a year ago as I had just moved to Lincoln and as the nerves and anxiousness had set it. I remember being reminded that I had told God that I was willing, that I would go. This year though, I saw something different. I've always seen this as a glorious mission. I've pictured him standing up and triumphantly shouting that he will go. But as I read it today I noticed the hard things God was asking him to do as well. He was about to go to a people with hardened and insensitive hearts. That wouldn't listen and wouldn't hear. He was not going to do some glorious and triumphant thing. He was asked to go where the road was rough, broken, and narrow. But Isaiah didn't back down. This is the realness of doing what God asks you to do. It's not always full of mountain tops and flowers. I've had to learn this a lot this past year. A lot of the time He asks us to walk the weary road thats drenched with rain. But there's another thing that road is marked with…the footsteps of our Savior. And there's not a better road to walk than that.

One Year

One Year.

I can hardly believe it that it's already been that long. Sometimes it just feels like yesterday that I packed up my stuff from what had become my little haven in Spring Acres. And yet here I stand one year later.  And looking back I wouldn't take back a thing.  There were many, many hard days of missing home. Many dark dreary days where it seemed like the clouds would never part and break through with His light. Some days where clinging with white knuckles to His promises were all that kept me looking ahead. But yet in that place was right where God wanted to teach me the most. Taking me deeper on this adventure with Him and showing me that I can trust Him in the darkness, step out into the unknown with Him, and have confidence and peace because the Creator of this universe holds my hand and knows my course. I think most of all He's taught me that He wants me to continually take courageous steps of faith for the rest of my life. There may be times where the road is twisting and turning so much that ahead is a complete unknown, and that's okay because it's not me who determines my path. He's not done with me. He's not finished with His work inside me. And that is a reason to rejoice because it is joy being apart of what He is doing.

Just 3 weeks ago we started the first CWS group in Lincoln. It's been challenging, but at the same time so cool to watch what God is doing. I'll be honest, I miss college ministry. But my life isn't based off that. I am here to be an ambassador of Christ…whether in college, the singles, married, or whatever stage, that is my purpose.

Here's to one year!

You're gonna miss this.

We've reached the end. The finish line has arrived, and here begins the next year. Funny how I still count years by school years (guess being in the Rock 6 years will do that to you).

I've been thinking about a song this country song lately. There's a line in the chorus that goes "You're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back. You're gonna wish these days, hadn't gone by so fast. These are some good times. So take a good look all around. You may not know this now, but you're gonna miss this."

All of my life it seems I'm constantly looking ahead and thinking that the next stage, or if I could just be here or there, or if I was just married, or if I was just.... fill in the blank with whatever. Anything, but the here and now. And when I look back I miss what used to be, even though at the time my gaze was fixed ahead at what would make my life better. One day I will look at the years I first moved to Lincoln and I truly believe I will miss it. Somehow in the bigger picture the hardships, the roughness, the pain...it seems to fade some, but what lasts is the joys and the times of laughter. That is what sticks. And I don't want to look back with regrets because I was took focused on the future.

Now that I've reached the end of the summer, almost a year of living in Lincoln, I feel like I've finally started to see progress in these relationships. The light I've been waiting for at the end of the tunnel. The water in the desert. The goodness in the land I was trusting the Lord to bring. And now after seeing this, I've been a little sad that now I will be leaving the Rock. But I was reminded at how God continues to ask me to take more steps of faith. He doesn't want me to stay the same. He wants to continue this adventure. A friend said to me...it's like you've stepped out in faith, God's done so much, and yet He's like "let's just keep moving forward, daughter." And that's so true. I've told the Lord time and time again that I don't ever want to become stagnant in my walk. Stagnant water sits, unyielding, completely useless and it just plain stinks. I don't want my life to be that. And so He keeps pushing me further and further along. Sometimes it just take a little nudge and then there's other times where it seems He's almost shoving me down a scary and unknown road, but there comes a point when I finally see it. The plans for good He had whispered in my ear as I took baby steps along the path. The joy in the pain and toil. That it is worth it. And sometimes that takes a really really long time, and what feels like really really long days and months just pushing the plough. But you know what's so cool about my King...is that He knows, He understands, He gets it. He stands with me through the tears and the questions. He holds my shaking hands when I feel unsure, He comforts me when my heart is breaking and it feels like I can't do it anymore, and He doesn't give up on me even when I want to throw that heavy plough down. He reminds me of His truth and the bigger picture. And He pushes me to keep going. I will choose to continue trusting Him for His goodness in this land.

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:13-14

#SLT life

Week….I don't even remember, maybe 9 is rounding the corner. It has been a busy, crazy, jam packed…but fun summer. And we're nearing the end. It has been so good to be around men and women who are serious about you and letting you change their lives.

God has been teaching me a lot this summer, it's hard to pinpoint all of it. But the most recent thing He has been graciously showing me, is that he wants to be my best friend, my confidant, my everything. I have a tendency to rely on people or look to others when my cup is dry. I go to the Lord and seek Him, but ultimately, when it all boils down, I'm seeking out fulfillment in others more than Him. It's like drinking salt water when you're dehydrated. It satisfies that initial longing, but soon after leaves you more thirsty than before. And it's a vicious cycle. People were never meant to replace the Lord. They will leave me cold, and broken, and unfulfilled, because they will let me down. No matter how hard they may try, they will. HE has to be all I need, HE has to be my source, HE has to be where I fill my cup. And yet that's so hard to live out. I still want to find my peace, and love, and security in others. I still find this tug to fill up my cup in soiled wells. And each time, I'm left feeling discouraged and disappointed.

It's so weird how much life changes in so little time. Less than a year ago I wouldn't have ever guessed that this is where I'd be now and what I'd be doing. And then seeing friends I haven't seen in a while and seeing how much their lives have changed as well. Part of it makes me so sad, because life as I have known it, is forever changed. There's no going back to the way things were in the upper floor of the University dorms where a lot of us girls lived, or to my first apartment, or even to the feeling of when I first moved to Lincoln…life moves on. And it has. People are making new friends that I don't know or hardly see and life is moving on for me in Lincoln. And it will continue to do so even more. And for some people I may drift further and further away from them as our lives go two different paths. It's hard to not dwell on the sadness of losing that. Sometimes I just want to be able to hit the pause button on life, or even rewind for a little while, but the fact still remains…life keeps moving on. But I'm trying to keep my focus on what God is doing right now and the excitement in what He will do. I can't focus on the past, I can't live in rewind. I want to be apart of what the Lord is now and be okay with the change.

HE is here. HE is working. And I get to be apart of it. For that I can rejoice!