...Not yet, my love...

Restore. Transform. Revive. God is in the business of mending what was broken.

Recently a friend has had the chance to renew this broken relationship with her brother. I've been watching as shattered pieces of their lives begin to mend. As memories of all those years that went by, disconnected, are revealed. Praying that this man really has changed and that their hearts aren't ever broken by this pain again.

And as I watch my heart is filled with joy at this crumbled relationship starting to be restored. At all these tears that I've watched her shed, being wiped away.  There is this joy, but this sadness fills my eyes as well, as I look up to the Lord and timidly ask Him, "...but when Lord?" He knows why I ask this question.  He knows this pain that still fills my heart. He knows my longing, my pleading for this answer.  Nine years...of waiting, of praying, of trying and failing to be still and trust.

"Not yet, my love," I hear Him gently whisper as I fall to my knees. " Just keep looking to Me." There is no more to say, no more to do, but to trust Him.  And all that's left for me is to keep trying. Not to question His plan or His timing or why not me, but to simply lift my eyes.  My heart struggles to be content as my palms hit the ground and I rise from the cold damp dirt.  My hand wipes away the moisture streaming down my face, only to be replaced by more the next second.  Willing myself to be strong and buck up, all to find myself crumbling once again. I feel anything but strong.

"Remember where your strength begins, meg," He reminds me. Rising to my unsteady legs again I let my fears and doubts seep from my mind into His hears. Petitioning Him for help. One foot in front of the other, marching on ahead toward Him. I will choose to trust.

I don't have to take your heart, I just wanna take your time.

You know what I've realized...I love reading blogs. 

Maybe even more than a good book. 

There's just something about them that's so real, so personal. 

Giving you a little peak into the deeps of that person. 

And I love writing my weird thoughts onto the these "pages" as well.

Time. It's such a weird concept. Some days it feels like it evaporates right from my fingertips, and other days trying to use every power I've got to will it to pass by. Times where I feel like I'm stuck in this period that will never end and others where I can't soak enough of the sunlight in. Lately, it's been the "oh my goodness this day is lasting forever" period of the year. Counting down the days till August when life, and that of those around me, goes back to normal. Or at least what's close to normal. 

It's strange really. I have always loved the summer. Well, I guess it's a love/hate relationship...but still a lot of love there. But this summer, to be honest, has been a completely different story. I feel like I'm caged in, like there are weights around my feet and ties on my hands. Stuck. And on the outside. I miss my friends - who have this busy and insane summer going on, while I feel like I'm sitting and watching from a window in another room. And then there's our new house, right across the street, taunting me every morning and night as I walk to my car. Don't get me wrong, my summer has been full and busy too, but in a different way. But I'm struggling to find the joy in it. 

15 days. I've started a countdown. Sounds pretty pathetic, but I guess whatever works?! I've even told myself..."only one more week really, cause it's only one more full week, and the week after that will be so much easier, so I should just count it as a week." 

And yet while these thoughts run rampant in my head, I can't help but feel the gentle nudge of God. Softly whispering,

Meg. I want to teach you a lesson, love. 

...while my mind continues to think of five other ways I can magically make time move faster. 

I read this part in Spurgeon, and it made me pause.

"When I cry unto thee, then shall mine enemies turn back: this I know; for God is for me." 

-Psalm 56:9

It is impossible for any human speech to express the full meaning of this delightful phrase, "God is for me." He was "for us" before the worlds were made...he was "for us" though we were against Him; he was "for us," when we were ruined in the fall--he has loved us notwithstanding all; he was "for us," when we were rebels against him, and with a high hand were bidding him defiance; he was "for us," or he would not have brought us humbly to seek his face. He has been "for us" in many struggles..."When I cry unto thee, then shall mine enemies be turned back." This is no uncertain hope, but a well grounded assurance--"this I know." 

And I realized something. In this busyness of everyones summer, and often feeling left out or behind, I realized this thinking had come into my relationship with God as well. I felt left behind by Him. I felt like He had forgotten me and left me in the dust. Crushed under my own weaknesses and failures. Like He was more concerned with everyone else's summer and concerns than He was about mine. 

But yet the psalmist said the words..."this I know; for God is for me." ...for ME. Completely opposite of those lies in my head. I can be certain of this truth and this hope. He is for me. He hasn't forgotten, He hasn't lost sight of me, He hasn't left me behind. This whole summer, He's been right there beside me. 

I know this isn't the end of what He wants to teach me through this summer, because I still feeling the lingering feeling, still willing time to keep going...but I'm finding joy in the hope of His words. 

This I know, for God is for me. 

Those days when I miss her.

I feel like there are many memories in my childhood that I can't talk about, that are sad and are left unspoken. Something as little as a country music song, and the memory of riding in that silver ford truck of my sister's, with country tunes playing in the background, goes through my mind. Moments that I wish I could tell the world, share these little pieces of my past. But they come with a sorrowful taste that most people probably don't to hear all the time. And so I bite my tongue, words whispered for only ears of my own. 

But I miss her. And sometimes I just want to be able to remember her.

At the sound of the footsteps coming up the stairs, I quickly topple out of the top of my childhood bunk bed. Peering out of the door, I wait with anticipation, hoping that it's her. I'm not even sure how it happened, the way I came to look up to her so much, but she had become my role model. I adored my big sister, wanted to be just like her. 

As soon as I spotted her, I ran right into that purple carpeted room. Dropping onto the waves of her water bed. I eagerly listened about her day, soaking in each moment I got to spend with her. 

I still remember one night so clearly. Like it was etched in my brain. The regret from it, still flowing through my veins. I begin tossing back and forth trying to fall asleep. Listening to the rhythm of the fan, turning and turning. But then I hear a faint, different sound. And quickly realize it's coming from right beside me. Quietly I hear her sob into her pillow. My young mind turns, debating what I should do. Do I try to comfort her with my ten year old wisdom? I desperately want to be able to help her, to be there for her, but I can't think of what to say or even do. So I do nothing. I lay there, pretending to be asleep, listening to the sound of her cry to sleep. 

Crazy how one moment from so long ago can still be so clear in your mind. How I can still feel this regret, wishing I had comforted her, that I had said something, done something that night. But I think that memory has also changed the way I react now. I don't want to let another opportunity go by where I don't give comfort when needed, or give a listening ear, or say words that need to be said. I can't change how I reacted then, but I can change here and now. I am a woman who makes mistakes, but praise the Lord those mistakes don't define me. 

|| Wanderer ||

A few days ago I ready this verse

"Then all the disciples left Him and fled" Matthew 26:56

I never say this about verses in the Bible, but I really don't like this verse. For two reasons:
Every time I read it, my heart sinks and I wish it weren't true. I want the disciples to be strong enough.  I want them to stand with Jesus.  To be there until the last moment of Him being taken away, but they all fail. They all flee. Every single one of them, even though they said they would not.  I think I dislike this verse so much because it shows our frailties.  The disciples were anything but perfect. In our own flesh we are prone to wander and flee. This verse so clearly reminds me that I am weak and prone to drift on my own.

And second I don't like it because I hate that He stood alone. I know, I know, it was a part of His plan. I get it. But I hate that He had to. The feeling of loneliness is something I struggle with quite a bit. And lately I've been feeling it sneaking back in. The devil knows this and uses it to discourage and distract me from God using me. And often I let Him.  I can be surrounded by people and yet feel so so alone. He lurks in the darkness gripping onto the slightest lie he knows I'll believe.  God has grown and taught me a lot in this area, but it is still something I must daily guard myself against and fight to remember His truth.

But amidst the disheartening words in this verse, there is also encouragement. He has gone before me. He has experienced loneliness like I never have before. He knows this road. He understands the pain. And through this passage, He shows me a way to stand even when I may stand alone. By seeking the help from the One who is able to handle it. And then as I continue reading I see the aftermath of Jesus continuing despite walking the lonely path…salvation for the world. And so I'm left with a heart of thanks and praise to my Savior who walked this road ahead of me and didn't give up.

Hold Him, do not let Him go.

I look ahead at the curves in the road, a sense of dread floods over my thoughts. What lies ahead? Difficulties? Rough places? Springs of water? All of it so unknown. Looking down to my feet I scrape off the caked mud that coats my swollen skin. Few footprints mark this road ahead.  Every groove of each foot showing in the dirt below. Darting my gaze in front of me, almost missing it, I watch Him wind the curve ahead. As He drifts from my view, the tears begin to roll once again down my face. I am reminded yet again that the steps ahead of me are paved by my wonderful, gracious Savior. And with a new sense of determination, I march on ahead, following Him.

The next year of 2015 is in full swing. And life sure hasn't slowed down. God has been doing a lot. We started the CWS back in August, and now 5 months later, He has brought so many people and has done so much. It can be easy to look at the hard things, the difficulties of starting up a group, the loneliness you can feel, get caught up in doubts and fears and forget all of what He has done and is doing. That is what God wants me to focus on.

I read today in Exodus about Moses. He said in Exodus 4:10-12
Then Moses said to the LORD, "Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither recently nor in time past, nor since You have spoken to Your servant; for I am slow of speech and slow of tongue." The Lord said to him, "Who has made man's mouth? Or who makes him mute or deaf, or seeing or blind? Is it not I, even I, the Lord? Now then go, and I, even I, will be with your mouth, and teach you what you are to say."

And then later in Exodus 4:22-23
Then Moses returned to the Lord and said, "O Lord, why have You brought harm to this people? Why did You ever send me? Ever since I cam to Pharaoh to speak in Your name, he has down harm to this people, and You have not delivered Your people at all."

Moses doubted what God had planned. He questioned Him and said, "Why did you ever send me?" I am not less a child of God because I doubt. I am not less in His eyes, but God doesn't want me to focus on those doubts. He wants me to bring them to His feet and wants to teach me how to trust Him. He did have a plan for the Israelites. He did have a plan for Moses. And through the whole thing God wanted to show Moses that His plan can be trusted.

"I have had doubts about God's goodness, doubts about God's love, and doubts about overcoming the stubborn, numerous sins that mar my heart, my character, my relationships, and my witness. Yet, through it all, God, by a miracle of his grace, continues to reveal himself and draw me deeper and closer to him" -Because He Loves Me

I can be encouraged because God does have a plan for me, the CWS group, and Candlewood. And He wants to teach me the same thing, that His plan can be trusted!

"The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few"

Isn't it funny how we are amazed when God answers prayer? Like we said we believed He could do it, but yet in the back of our minds, there sat the doubt. Is it really gonna happen? Laying dormant, but not erased. And then amazingly, He actually does what we've been praying and trying to believe him for….and we can hardly believe it!

This has been me. Ever since Cindy moved in December we've been praying this prayer at 1:05 each day. For the Lord to send more workers. With two specifically in mind. And next week one of those workers, Naomi, will be here! For some reason I can't shake this amazement at the Lord. Thinking in my head, "You actually did it, Lord. I've been praying and praying and it's actually happening!" And God probably smiles back at me saying, "Love, if I can? All things are possible to him who believes." He sees those doubts that mingle within my prayers and still longs to answer the cry of my heart. What an amazing God we serve.

I was reading in Isaiah today when I came across this verse:

Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?” Then I said, “Here am I. Send me!”  He said, “Go, and tell this people:

‘Keep on listening, but do not perceive;
Keep on looking, but do not understand.’
“Render the hearts of this people insensitive,
Their ears dull,
And their eyes dim,
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
Hear with their ears,
Understand with their hearts,
And return and be healed.”

 Then I said, “Lord, how long?” And He answered,

“Until cities are devastated and without inhabitant,
Houses are without people
And the land is utterly desolate,
“The Lord has removed men far away,
And the forsaken places are many in the midst of the land. “Yet there will be a tenth portion in it,
And it will again be subject to burning,
Like a terebinth or an oak
Whose stump remains when it is felled.
The holy seed is its stump.”

I remember reading this a year ago as I had just moved to Lincoln and as the nerves and anxiousness had set it. I remember being reminded that I had told God that I was willing, that I would go. This year though, I saw something different. I've always seen this as a glorious mission. I've pictured him standing up and triumphantly shouting that he will go. But as I read it today I noticed the hard things God was asking him to do as well. He was about to go to a people with hardened and insensitive hearts. That wouldn't listen and wouldn't hear. He was not going to do some glorious and triumphant thing. He was asked to go where the road was rough, broken, and narrow. But Isaiah didn't back down. This is the realness of doing what God asks you to do. It's not always full of mountain tops and flowers. I've had to learn this a lot this past year. A lot of the time He asks us to walk the weary road thats drenched with rain. But there's another thing that road is marked with…the footsteps of our Savior. And there's not a better road to walk than that.

One Year

One Year.

I can hardly believe it that it's already been that long. Sometimes it just feels like yesterday that I packed up my stuff from what had become my little haven in Spring Acres. And yet here I stand one year later.  And looking back I wouldn't take back a thing.  There were many, many hard days of missing home. Many dark dreary days where it seemed like the clouds would never part and break through with His light. Some days where clinging with white knuckles to His promises were all that kept me looking ahead. But yet in that place was right where God wanted to teach me the most. Taking me deeper on this adventure with Him and showing me that I can trust Him in the darkness, step out into the unknown with Him, and have confidence and peace because the Creator of this universe holds my hand and knows my course. I think most of all He's taught me that He wants me to continually take courageous steps of faith for the rest of my life. There may be times where the road is twisting and turning so much that ahead is a complete unknown, and that's okay because it's not me who determines my path. He's not done with me. He's not finished with His work inside me. And that is a reason to rejoice because it is joy being apart of what He is doing.

Just 3 weeks ago we started the first CWS group in Lincoln. It's been challenging, but at the same time so cool to watch what God is doing. I'll be honest, I miss college ministry. But my life isn't based off that. I am here to be an ambassador of Christ…whether in college, the singles, married, or whatever stage, that is my purpose.

Here's to one year!

You're gonna miss this.

We've reached the end. The finish line has arrived, and here begins the next year. Funny how I still count years by school years (guess being in the Rock 6 years will do that to you).

I've been thinking about a song this country song lately. There's a line in the chorus that goes "You're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back. You're gonna wish these days, hadn't gone by so fast. These are some good times. So take a good look all around. You may not know this now, but you're gonna miss this."

All of my life it seems I'm constantly looking ahead and thinking that the next stage, or if I could just be here or there, or if I was just married, or if I was just.... fill in the blank with whatever. Anything, but the here and now. And when I look back I miss what used to be, even though at the time my gaze was fixed ahead at what would make my life better. One day I will look at the years I first moved to Lincoln and I truly believe I will miss it. Somehow in the bigger picture the hardships, the roughness, the pain...it seems to fade some, but what lasts is the joys and the times of laughter. That is what sticks. And I don't want to look back with regrets because I was took focused on the future.

Now that I've reached the end of the summer, almost a year of living in Lincoln, I feel like I've finally started to see progress in these relationships. The light I've been waiting for at the end of the tunnel. The water in the desert. The goodness in the land I was trusting the Lord to bring. And now after seeing this, I've been a little sad that now I will be leaving the Rock. But I was reminded at how God continues to ask me to take more steps of faith. He doesn't want me to stay the same. He wants to continue this adventure. A friend said to me...it's like you've stepped out in faith, God's done so much, and yet He's like "let's just keep moving forward, daughter." And that's so true. I've told the Lord time and time again that I don't ever want to become stagnant in my walk. Stagnant water sits, unyielding, completely useless and it just plain stinks. I don't want my life to be that. And so He keeps pushing me further and further along. Sometimes it just take a little nudge and then there's other times where it seems He's almost shoving me down a scary and unknown road, but there comes a point when I finally see it. The plans for good He had whispered in my ear as I took baby steps along the path. The joy in the pain and toil. That it is worth it. And sometimes that takes a really really long time, and what feels like really really long days and months just pushing the plough. But you know what's so cool about my King...is that He knows, He understands, He gets it. He stands with me through the tears and the questions. He holds my shaking hands when I feel unsure, He comforts me when my heart is breaking and it feels like I can't do it anymore, and He doesn't give up on me even when I want to throw that heavy plough down. He reminds me of His truth and the bigger picture. And He pushes me to keep going. I will choose to continue trusting Him for His goodness in this land.

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:13-14

#SLT life

Week….I don't even remember, maybe 9 is rounding the corner. It has been a busy, crazy, jam packed…but fun summer. And we're nearing the end. It has been so good to be around men and women who are serious about you and letting you change their lives.

God has been teaching me a lot this summer, it's hard to pinpoint all of it. But the most recent thing He has been graciously showing me, is that he wants to be my best friend, my confidant, my everything. I have a tendency to rely on people or look to others when my cup is dry. I go to the Lord and seek Him, but ultimately, when it all boils down, I'm seeking out fulfillment in others more than Him. It's like drinking salt water when you're dehydrated. It satisfies that initial longing, but soon after leaves you more thirsty than before. And it's a vicious cycle. People were never meant to replace the Lord. They will leave me cold, and broken, and unfulfilled, because they will let me down. No matter how hard they may try, they will. HE has to be all I need, HE has to be my source, HE has to be where I fill my cup. And yet that's so hard to live out. I still want to find my peace, and love, and security in others. I still find this tug to fill up my cup in soiled wells. And each time, I'm left feeling discouraged and disappointed.

It's so weird how much life changes in so little time. Less than a year ago I wouldn't have ever guessed that this is where I'd be now and what I'd be doing. And then seeing friends I haven't seen in a while and seeing how much their lives have changed as well. Part of it makes me so sad, because life as I have known it, is forever changed. There's no going back to the way things were in the upper floor of the University dorms where a lot of us girls lived, or to my first apartment, or even to the feeling of when I first moved to Lincoln…life moves on. And it has. People are making new friends that I don't know or hardly see and life is moving on for me in Lincoln. And it will continue to do so even more. And for some people I may drift further and further away from them as our lives go two different paths. It's hard to not dwell on the sadness of losing that. Sometimes I just want to be able to hit the pause button on life, or even rewind for a little while, but the fact still remains…life keeps moving on. But I'm trying to keep my focus on what God is doing right now and the excitement in what He will do. I can't focus on the past, I can't live in rewind. I want to be apart of what the Lord is now and be okay with the change.

HE is here. HE is working. And I get to be apart of it. For that I can rejoice!

We're not home yet.

I am a traveler. A wanderer in this world. 

I'm not home. 

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. About how so much of the time we want to be comfortable, or even think we have a right to feel at home. But You tell us in Your Word that we are strangers in this world. I don't have a right to a life of ease and comfort. In fact, you want the very opposite of me. This should not feel like home, because if it does, something is very wrong. Heaven is my home. And until then I will feel out of place. This world will not accept me, because I don't fit into it's mold and that's okay. One day I will be home and that is enough. When we sing songs about heaven, my heart aches for it, but I will wait. And while I wait I will have hope.

SLT has begun. It's weird to write that because it doesn't feel like what I think of SLT as. But honestly, I'm okay with that. It's been three days and I already feel so refreshed by the saints. Now maybe this is just a sweet honeymoon period, and if so, that's okay too, but it's been so good for my soul. I didn't have the greatest attitude coming into it because this is my sixth summer…6th SUMMER doing this ha! And I felt like I was just thrown into it because I'm in Lincoln and still apart of the Rock. But something about that just didn't seem right. The Lord has planned my life…He knows exactly where he has me in each stage of my life, and He knew He would place me here at this moment in my life. The KING of the whole earth planned exactly where I would be. For my good. My Dad, My King, My Lord would not just "throw me in" just because. He has to have a reason and purpose for me in it. And I'm realizing that He has something to teach me too through this, if I let Him. And so I'm choosing to find joy in it…in the craziness of the house full of women, in the self defense lessons we teach each other in the basement, in the meals spent together, in the long long days at work, in the sack lunches that don't quite fill me up, in the busy schedule…there is joy in it. Because you are in it.

So Choose Life…

Do you ever just feel left out? Even when life is full and there is plenty to join in on? There are things you know you're missing out on, and that empty feeling comes lurking back. Tugging your aching heart down with it. I know God has given me a satisfying and full life, and yet I long for more. 

The Omaha church is merging their two services together and as excited I am for them, there's also a hollow feeling knowing I'm not apart of this new beginning with them. Life is moving on without me there. I knew it would, but it doesn't hurt any less seeing it happen now. But I must remember that it's not about me, it's about Him. He told us to become less so He could be greater. The last will be first, He said. And yet my selfishness and pride doesn't want to be left out and forgotten. It fights every step of the way off that stage.

Reading this book about this girl who went to Uganda, my heart longs for something crazy like that. With friends in Nepal and hearing so many stories of You in these other countries, it's been on my mind a lot lately. And yet at the same time I know there are so many fears and hardships with it, but still I long for it. I feel restless. Discontent. I long to do something crazy for the Lord (at least for a few months), but yet I know this is where God has me right now. He hasn't called me to leave, at least not right now. And I know He's trying to teach me to be content with Him right where I'm at. 

Since moving to Lincoln life feels like it has ramped up 500%. Sometimes looking back to my life in Omaha, I'm so surprised by how much time I had. What the heck was I even doing?! Here I feel like I have hardly any time to do all the things I need to do. At times I wonder if God will really sufficiently supply. I look ahead to this summer and next fall and get so overwhelmed at the path ahead. Are you sure God? Do you realize the challenges I'm going to face? It feels like too much. But He says to me…

 "I have led you forty years in the wilderness; your clothes have not worn out on you, and your sandal has not worn out on your foot."

Deuteronomy 29:5

"Are not five sparrows sold for two cents? Yet not one of them is forgotten before God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows."

Luke 12:6-7

He has been supplying my every need so far. Even though at times it might feel like the bare minimum, He has not failed on His promise. And surely He will not for my future. Just as He cares for the sparrows and would never forget them, He will for me too.

"For this commandment which I command you today is not too difficult for you, nor is it out of reach. It is not in heaven, that you should say, ‘Who will go up to heaven for us to get it for us and make us hear it, that we may observe it?’  Nor is it beyond the sea, that you should say, ‘Who will cross the sea for us to get it for us and make us hear it, that we may observe it?’  But the word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that you may observe it.

Deuteronomy 30:11-14

“See, I have set before you today life and prosperity, and death and adversity…So choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants, by loving the Lord your God, by obeying His voice, and by holding fast to Him"

Deuteronomy 30:15, 19-20

He is asking me once again to choose the narrow road. To choose to give up my wants, my dreams, my own plans and follow Him. It may not be what I want, or how I would choose, but He tells me He knows the bigger picture. He hold my dreams and doesn't forget them. He knows my heart. And I can trust Him with it all. 

Beauty in the Ashes

I've been finding myself bogged down by a lot of things lately. Work, tiredness, discouragement, busyness, and on and on… I've felt like I'm drowning in it.

It's easy to focus on the bad, the hard, the roughness of the day, to miss the gold in the mud and mire.  And in it I miss all the little blessings He has for me.  The laughs of my coworkers, the treasure of lunch with a friend, a quiet evening at home hearing from Your word. I want to see the beauty in these little things.

And so when work is stressful…when my sandwich falls in gravel after only a few bites…when traffic is frustrating…when I spill pizza sauce on white shirt…and all in one day…I will choose to find the joy in the little things. I'm learning to rejoice even when it's hard, even though time and time again I fail.  But praise the Lord that I have a Savior who pours His grace over me, no matter how many times I need it each day.  Each time His mercies are new.  

Contentment.

….and life just keeps getting crazier.

Just when I think I've known a lot of change and things won't surprise me too much, God proves me wrong. He always seems to take me around twists and turns I never expect, pushing me to take blindfolded steps of faith. I know it's good for me, but still my flesh battles within me to be content with all the change.

Contentment.

It seems like such an easy thing. But for me this is a huge battleground that I must face. The temptations come from so many areas. As simple as seeing a picture and wishing I was somewhere other than where the Lord has placed me, or being content at work, or with how He is choosing to use me…and I could go on and on.  I must continually remind myself to "be still and know that He is Lord." Time and time again I must slow my heart down and remember that he is enough.

Just as Psalm 23 says "The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not be in want." I know He is enough. I have all I need in Him, yet why do I keep wishing and wanting more?
I don't know why I forget this so often, but I will keep lifting my eyes up to Him, seeking Him for the power to find my contentment purely in Him.

You called me out upon the water

With an unflinching focus on his Savior, Peter stepped out onto the shifting waves.  "Come" Jesus told him. He knew his King was calling out and knew who it was upon that water.  Comforted by the knowledge of His protection among the storm, Peter obeyed, prompted by His leading.  Almost without thought or reason, but with complete faith, He strode to Jesus' side. But in a flash, this moment of faith faded and Peter's clear and focused gaze shifted. With His Savior's eyes no longer in view, he glanced upon the fierce and powerful storm. And at the same moment his feet began to sink. What was, just a few seconds before such great faith, now became dim and blurred. Calling out for Jesus to save him, the King took ahold of his hand and asked him why he doubted. 

This is me.  I am Peter.

I too stepped out upon that water. My faith firm, my confidence steady in Him. I heard his call and knew I must step out of the protection that the boat provided.  My friends were all in that boat. But with a quick goodbye and one careful step after another, I strided after my Savior. At first my eyes were confident, fixed upon him. But then my thoughts began to waver and my feet, beginning to shake, started to sink.  For a split-second, my eyes looked at the storm. 

Jim shared this verse as we all shared about Faithwalkers on New Year's Eve night and what we learned. He shared about how Peter took a step of faith. He stepped out of the boat. Did he fail a little? Yes. Did he take his eyes off Jesus when he shouldn't have? Yes. But Peter also took a step of faith, he stepped out of the boat. He shared about how it's okay to fail. The Lord is perfect so we don't have to never mess up, but He does ask us to try. To step out of the boat. 

To be honest, I have at times been regretting my step out on the water. I've had my eyes fixed upon the storm and questioned if this is destroying my faith. But Peter's faith, although he faltered for a minute, wasn't destroyed. He kept on trying. He continued to step out of the boat for His Savior. Did he fail some down the road? He did. And I will too. But that's okay because I have a Daddy by my side who holds out his hand and gently picks me back up. He brushes off the dirt and mud caked on my clothes and asks me to keep following Him. Praise the Lord for a loving Father never gives up on us!

The Walking Wounded

"The Walking Wounded"
This is exactly how I feel. Mike said this phrase the other day at the Rock to describe a lot of us who moved here to Lincoln.  Day in and day out the devil hasn't relented. I fight off his attacks and get back up, yet still bruised and bleeding. Walking this road I can't see the end in sight. The pathway goes on with twists and turns that I can't predict. The unknown is scary. We have a Savior by our side that says He hold us in His hands and knows the plans He has for us, and yet my heart still pounds as I curve toward the next bend in the road. My faith still trembles when I know it should stand firm in His promise. Thoughts wander when they should be fixed upon His words.  "We are all just one step away." It sent shivers through me as I heard this from Mike as he was praying. I am just one step away. I am not immune. I am not strong on my own. If I don't seek Him, if I don't pick up my cross, I will be taken out. This is a reality I humbly need to be aware of. Praise the Lord that He is my strength, my help, and my hope!

HE is faithful

"Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it"
1 Thessalonians 5:24

On Thursday I went to McDonalds with Linc and Doc as I babysat for LG for Hannah and Shane.  After eating our meal (which takes a VERY long time when you are distracted with such a fun play place right in the other room) we headed off to play.  Immediately when they crawled into the play place they began to meet kids and quickly formed friendships with each other. This one little boy and particular started to join in chasing monsters around with Linc and Doc. He even came and gave Linc a hug saying sorry for pushing him.

What amazes me is how quickly children form these bonds.  They're so quick to trust. Unlike us their guard isn't up sky high for someone to climb over and gain. They don't build up walls keeping people out. Instead they have such a childlike faith. I often think about how the Lord asks us, as well, to have this type of faith. Trust is something that we have had broken so many times, that it becomes hard for us to even allow our hearts to trust our Savior.

Forming friendships here has been more difficult than I thought.  Even after 4 months here I feel like I am still in the process of getting to know these girls on a very basic level. I don't have those close friends that I can go to here. They are being built, but still not there yet.  Trying to bind these bonds of fellowship and at the same time reach out to the lost has been somewhat exhausting. My brain feels like it's on overload most of the time.  I lie down at night tired physically, mentally, and spiritually.  I long for some comfort of friends on this road, but right now my comfort must be found purely in Christ alone. If He has the power to move mountains, form this universe, and raise Christ from the dead, then He must have the power to give me strength in this walk.

Last night we had all church prayer. I was so sick, but I knew my soul needed to be with the saints.  Ben shared Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

As he read this psalm tears started flowing.  Reading this, I was overwhelmed by my Saviors peace, protection and comfort that He gives in the midst of "the darkest valley". He is enough. I lack nothing. Even though I walk through darkness, my cup can overflow.

Then he asked these questions:
1. What things are distracting you right now? What anxious thoughts that you need to yield to the Lord?
2. What ways do you need the Lord to renew your strength in at this moment?
3. What fears are you facing right now that He can help you with?

For each of these questions, there was a billion things that were capturing my thoughts, so many fears, so much that was pulling me down. I am a woman with many fears. And I often allow these fears to take hold and devour my thoughts. But the Lord has and is continuing to teach me to yield them all to Him and to trust with that childlike faith.  He has shown me time and time again that He is faithful. And I must allow my heart to rest in that promise.

your God will come.

I'm feeling ambitious this week…two blog posts! Writing just has a way of calming my soul.  I've decided I want to chronicle this journey to Lincoln. There has been so many challenges that I never expected. I knew it wouldn't be an easy road, but I definitely didn't think rocky path was the way the Lord would take me. Now there is goodness and encouragement in it, but I think my eyes weren't quite open to the roughness that this road would produce. When I thought of a church plant, my mind thought of all the glorious things about it…the beginning of a church, watching it grow, seeing God move in big and mighty ways. All of that is glorious. But what I didn't realize was the mud and dirt mixed all around that. The tiring and weary days of working for the Lord, but seeing very little. Knowing that just like those heroes of the faith before me, I may only "welcome it from a distance." And to still believe that the Lord is good.
This week has been harder than most.  I miss home. Not just in a "aww I miss this or that"…yeah that's part of it. But in a deep longing in my heart miss home. Some days its easier and some days harder, but this week has been a constant struggle for joy. It's one of those weeks where the rain just won't let up, day in and day out the storm remains.  I look up to the heavens, weary of it, but can't find any light shining through the clouds. Going out early each morning to push the plough, the bitter cold burrows into my skin,  leaving me shivering in its midst. I feel my hands slipping more and more as I try to keep a firm grip. Trying to hold on, trying to remember what I'm here for.
Sometimes I just feel forgotten…but I'm sure we all feel like that at some point. And I must remember that He never will. My hands drop to my sides, too weary to raise any higher. I look up once again at the cloudy sky. Hoping, wishing, praying for some relief.
"Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, 'Be strong, do not fear; your God will come'" Isaiah 35:3.
He will come. The sky will break through with sun one day…maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but there is hope in His words.  He will come. 
So lifting my tired eyes once more, I fix my gaze toward heaven. I will watch for You.
I will have hope.

"The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom…Water will gush forth from the wilderness and streams in the desert" Isaiah 35:1,5

A step of faith…into the great unknown

At times I'm so aware of this gruesome fight we're in, so enveloped in war, my eyes focused, ready, and trained.  I hear verses like "Be on alert…" or "be steadfast" and I stand at my watchtower, listening for his tactics.  Ready for a fight at a moments notice.  But then there's those times I lose my focus. I long for peace and rest and think that if I just take a moment, just lay down my sword for a second, that the enemy won't notice. Naively, I wish for a break from the war. I want a life of ease. Wishing for things simply because they would mean an easier road. But the Lord stands in the way of these silly plans I make and says to me "Megan, will you do this for me? Will you truly lay down your life for me?" Of course my heart jumps up and says "Yes Lord, Yes!" But then comes fork in the road, the place were the two paths separate from one another. To choose the life of ease? Or lay down my wants, plans, everything, to follow Him?  It is there that my faith is truly tested. It is there were I must make the hard decision that denies my selfish flesh. But the battle doesn't end there. As I walk down the narrow road, the devil continues his persistent temptations. "Just walk back to the wide road, life will be so much easier" he whispers to my ears. All his ideas sound so pleasant to my weary soul. The thought rolls through my mind, twisting and turning through my brain until the idea almost seems to be okay with the Lord. Almost. As I pick up my foot about to pivot in place, returning to where I had come from, the Lord shouts my name louder than I've ever heard him speak before. And instantly the realization of what I'm doing hits my mind. I stop dead in my tracks. And I know I cannot turn back to the easy road. Even if this narrow road I'm on means a constant battle every day.  Continuing on I hear him asking time and time again…"Do you trust me Megs?" or "Do you believe I have your good in mind?" or "Do you truly believe I'm all you need?" At times my answer is a weak "No, but help me to believe." Sometimes, well, most of the time right now, that's all I can offer Him. But I know he sees my heart, my longing to believe His promises. My little feeble faith. And he says "if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain jump." My faith may be as small as a mustard seed right now, but I know, I must believe, that He is pleased with that little seed. And that is what I will hold on to.

...take up your cross and follow Me...

As soon as He opened my eyes I saw it.  I knew what I must do.  At the time it did not seem such a hard task.  Compared to what I had been carrying, this seemed painless.  The moment I asked Him to take it, the chains I once carried, He lifted it off so effortlessly.  Freedom taking its place.  He showed me His yoke. 

And it is there that He asked me to begin to walk.

I marched on over to this cross He had made for me.  Only one cross stood for me to take.   He delicately crafted it each piece of this cross specifically for me.  Carefully I lifted it onto my back.  But it was not as I expected it to be.  It was not made smooth and light as feathers.  My mind had created images of how this cross would feel.  But this was not what I anticipated.  Instead the sticks cut into my hands, the wood thrusted into my shoulder as I tried to maneuver its weight.  Stumbling around I tried to regain my balance.  Although lighter than my burden before, this was different. 

 Just a little distance ahead of me I see a man.

I watch as He walks to the cross that wasn’t there just a few minutes before.  On His hands the scars still remain.  I watch as those same hands that were bloodied and bruised for me, pick up the cross.  This man doesn’t act as if this is an easy load.  But He does not reproach the load He’s been asked to carry either.  He simply picked it up and started walking.  As He begins to stride down the road I see Him stop for a second.  He turns around and gazes back at me.  With a wave of His hand, he motions for me to follow Him. 

And there I choose to follow this man’s example.  I trail behind Him, imitating what He does.  If this man carries His cross, so should I. 

Down the road we continue with me still following His example.  We cross through rivers, streams, mud, and dirt together.  With each obstacle, my heart pounds and doubts flood through my head.  But with each one I know that He is ahead of me.  He shows me that I can make it through because I know that He has gone before me.  With each step He reminds me of the day when the cross will be laid down.  The promise of what’s ahead lightens the load in the present moment.  His voice echoes back to me such sweet words that keep my feet steady.

Each night I lay down my cross as we rest.  And every morning as the sun begins to rise into the vibrant sky, the choice remains once again before me.  To pick it up and continue down this road or leave it where it stands.  It is a struggle each and every time.  Some days easier than other, but each time, fighting back my flesh, I carefully lift it back unto my shoulders by His grace alone. 

Along way, I glance at the sky, painted with sun rays that cascade down on my face.  The birds chirping around me remind me once again of Your goodness.  The cross I carry no longer seems so heavy.  Its weight still pushing down on me, but no longer the discontentment I felt at carrying it. 

We run beside one another, joy with each step.  Excited to go on this path together.  The fears pass each time with just a glimpse at You.  The doubts that creep in are swayed by Your words.  

But slowly the sunny landscape around me begins to turn gloomy.  These skies that used to shout out Your love by their very presence, no longer declare this truth.  I must diligently search to revive what You’ve told me deep inside. 

It feels as if my feet can’t go on.  Every muscle feels the weight that I carry.  My neck aches, my back strains, and my whole body pounds.  This cross seems to get heavier with each step that I take. 

And Your image seems to be fading quickly by the fog overtaking the air.  I must strain my eyes to keep You in my sight.  If I can’t follow You, I don’t know how I would continue on.  How am I supposed to keep walking if I can’t see You to follow?

I feel the anxiety creep in.  The rain pelts down on my face slowly dripping off my chin.  I grasp on to this cross tighter than before so afraid that if for one second if I loosen my grip, I’ll never pick it back up.  My pale white hands shake uncontrollably from the strain.  My whole body shivers from the ice cold winds that pierce deep into these bones.

This rock that I stand on now seems to be crumbling away.  No longer is it firm.  No longer is it secure.  Soon the crumbling reaches my feet beneath me and knocks me to the ground.  The waves from the ocean reach my head.  They crash over me with such a force that my face collides with the mud below.  I struggle to stand under the power of the sea.  Each time I make it to my feet again, I’m struck right to the ground once again. 

Everything about me feels dark.  The air around lifeless.  The wind breathes its harsh bitter lies into me.  Your light which shone so radiantly before, on longer breaks through the darkness.  I search and search for You, but in vain. 

Have you left me here to fend for myself?  Have you forgotten about your precious child?  Your child that You used to love?  Why did this firm foundation, I thought was You, begin to crumble?  You’re supposed to stand firm.  You’re supposed to be my rock. 

This place is lonely, Lord.  No one here with me in this storm.  No soul in sight.  Some know I’m here and their comforts help, but they bring no relief from this tempest that has come.  And still I lay in the midst of it.  Where are your promises?  Have you held out on me, Lord?  I need Your hand.  I need some word from You—even just a whisper.  If I could hear You, I could stand under this.  If I could feel you I would be strengthened.  If I could just touch You, I could remember that You are good and are for me.  But these lies are all that I see.  Nothing here talks about Your goodness.  Everything seems just the opposite. 

In my mind I wish I could throw this cross off.  I wish I could run far away from the burden it seems to bring.  Or maybe I would cave under its load. 

I feel each contour of the wood, as each splinter pierces my fragile skin.  Indentations as it rams into my back.  I imagine this wrought iron cross upon my back.  But I know it is simply a wooden cross that you have crafted for me.

And somehow, through Your power alone, I must choose to trust what You have said.  That You will not leave me.  That you are for me.  That You love me. 

Trembling I reach out my weak hand desperate for Your touch.  I need to feel You or hear You or see You.  Something Lord! 

And then I feel Your hand as You guide me back to You.  Your firm grip never letting go.  My heart finally slows reminded of Your presence.

But this storm still remains.  And my eyes still feel blinded.  Beside me you take me by the hand and lead me down the road.  Frightened, the panic begins to fill the air.  And again I must learn to trust where you take me. 

As those around me and You begin to mock, it makes this burden appear even heavier.  The load that I already cannot take, begins to crush me underneath.  But I watch as You continue on.  Even through all the stones they throw at You and Your cross, I see you persist.  Never once dismayed by the attacks at all sides.  The words that creep into my mouth, quickly I work to dissolve before they left destruction in their path.  I want to shout back at them.  But instead I follow Your example.  Silence remaining on my lips.  Each time these attacks come, Your lips pour out words to the One above. 

Somehow You maintain Your steps.  The prayers You lift up keep You fighting.  I know I have to follow Your example.  Words fall out of my mouth in desperation.  I need Your strength.  And I know only that comes from You. 

Others around me pass me with such ease.  Their crosses seem so much easier to bear.  While mine seems bitter and made of pure stone.  But I know this is simply a lie, like the thousands others the deceiver has whispered to me, hoping that I will give in to its deception.  I know that this is the weight You know I can carry.  You have not asked me to do something that I cannot do.  This is the cross you’ve asked me to carry.  And this load is so much lighter than the burden You took from me.  I must continue to remind myself of all that You have done.

And with You there is power.  With You I conquer these storms and lies. 

Each valley that we face I begin to love this cross I carry even more.  I would not trade it for the riches this world has to offer.  For this is my badge.  This is the one thing I can do for all that you’ve done for me.  It smells sweetly to Him, so I must gladly choose to find joy in the cross He has given me.