#SLT life

Week….I don't even remember, maybe 9 is rounding the corner. It has been a busy, crazy, jam packed…but fun summer. And we're nearing the end. It has been so good to be around men and women who are serious about you and letting you change their lives.

God has been teaching me a lot this summer, it's hard to pinpoint all of it. But the most recent thing He has been graciously showing me, is that he wants to be my best friend, my confidant, my everything. I have a tendency to rely on people or look to others when my cup is dry. I go to the Lord and seek Him, but ultimately, when it all boils down, I'm seeking out fulfillment in others more than Him. It's like drinking salt water when you're dehydrated. It satisfies that initial longing, but soon after leaves you more thirsty than before. And it's a vicious cycle. People were never meant to replace the Lord. They will leave me cold, and broken, and unfulfilled, because they will let me down. No matter how hard they may try, they will. HE has to be all I need, HE has to be my source, HE has to be where I fill my cup. And yet that's so hard to live out. I still want to find my peace, and love, and security in others. I still find this tug to fill up my cup in soiled wells. And each time, I'm left feeling discouraged and disappointed.

It's so weird how much life changes in so little time. Less than a year ago I wouldn't have ever guessed that this is where I'd be now and what I'd be doing. And then seeing friends I haven't seen in a while and seeing how much their lives have changed as well. Part of it makes me so sad, because life as I have known it, is forever changed. There's no going back to the way things were in the upper floor of the University dorms where a lot of us girls lived, or to my first apartment, or even to the feeling of when I first moved to Lincoln…life moves on. And it has. People are making new friends that I don't know or hardly see and life is moving on for me in Lincoln. And it will continue to do so even more. And for some people I may drift further and further away from them as our lives go two different paths. It's hard to not dwell on the sadness of losing that. Sometimes I just want to be able to hit the pause button on life, or even rewind for a little while, but the fact still remains…life keeps moving on. But I'm trying to keep my focus on what God is doing right now and the excitement in what He will do. I can't focus on the past, I can't live in rewind. I want to be apart of what the Lord is now and be okay with the change.

HE is here. HE is working. And I get to be apart of it. For that I can rejoice!

We're not home yet.

I am a traveler. A wanderer in this world. 

I'm not home. 

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. About how so much of the time we want to be comfortable, or even think we have a right to feel at home. But You tell us in Your Word that we are strangers in this world. I don't have a right to a life of ease and comfort. In fact, you want the very opposite of me. This should not feel like home, because if it does, something is very wrong. Heaven is my home. And until then I will feel out of place. This world will not accept me, because I don't fit into it's mold and that's okay. One day I will be home and that is enough. When we sing songs about heaven, my heart aches for it, but I will wait. And while I wait I will have hope.

SLT has begun. It's weird to write that because it doesn't feel like what I think of SLT as. But honestly, I'm okay with that. It's been three days and I already feel so refreshed by the saints. Now maybe this is just a sweet honeymoon period, and if so, that's okay too, but it's been so good for my soul. I didn't have the greatest attitude coming into it because this is my sixth summer…6th SUMMER doing this ha! And I felt like I was just thrown into it because I'm in Lincoln and still apart of the Rock. But something about that just didn't seem right. The Lord has planned my life…He knows exactly where he has me in each stage of my life, and He knew He would place me here at this moment in my life. The KING of the whole earth planned exactly where I would be. For my good. My Dad, My King, My Lord would not just "throw me in" just because. He has to have a reason and purpose for me in it. And I'm realizing that He has something to teach me too through this, if I let Him. And so I'm choosing to find joy in it…in the craziness of the house full of women, in the self defense lessons we teach each other in the basement, in the meals spent together, in the long long days at work, in the sack lunches that don't quite fill me up, in the busy schedule…there is joy in it. Because you are in it.

So Choose Life…

Do you ever just feel left out? Even when life is full and there is plenty to join in on? There are things you know you're missing out on, and that empty feeling comes lurking back. Tugging your aching heart down with it. I know God has given me a satisfying and full life, and yet I long for more. 

The Omaha church is merging their two services together and as excited I am for them, there's also a hollow feeling knowing I'm not apart of this new beginning with them. Life is moving on without me there. I knew it would, but it doesn't hurt any less seeing it happen now. But I must remember that it's not about me, it's about Him. He told us to become less so He could be greater. The last will be first, He said. And yet my selfishness and pride doesn't want to be left out and forgotten. It fights every step of the way off that stage.

Reading this book about this girl who went to Uganda, my heart longs for something crazy like that. With friends in Nepal and hearing so many stories of You in these other countries, it's been on my mind a lot lately. And yet at the same time I know there are so many fears and hardships with it, but still I long for it. I feel restless. Discontent. I long to do something crazy for the Lord (at least for a few months), but yet I know this is where God has me right now. He hasn't called me to leave, at least not right now. And I know He's trying to teach me to be content with Him right where I'm at. 

Since moving to Lincoln life feels like it has ramped up 500%. Sometimes looking back to my life in Omaha, I'm so surprised by how much time I had. What the heck was I even doing?! Here I feel like I have hardly any time to do all the things I need to do. At times I wonder if God will really sufficiently supply. I look ahead to this summer and next fall and get so overwhelmed at the path ahead. Are you sure God? Do you realize the challenges I'm going to face? It feels like too much. But He says to me…

 "I have led you forty years in the wilderness; your clothes have not worn out on you, and your sandal has not worn out on your foot."

Deuteronomy 29:5

"Are not five sparrows sold for two cents? Yet not one of them is forgotten before God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows."

Luke 12:6-7

He has been supplying my every need so far. Even though at times it might feel like the bare minimum, He has not failed on His promise. And surely He will not for my future. Just as He cares for the sparrows and would never forget them, He will for me too.

"For this commandment which I command you today is not too difficult for you, nor is it out of reach. It is not in heaven, that you should say, ‘Who will go up to heaven for us to get it for us and make us hear it, that we may observe it?’  Nor is it beyond the sea, that you should say, ‘Who will cross the sea for us to get it for us and make us hear it, that we may observe it?’  But the word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that you may observe it.

Deuteronomy 30:11-14

“See, I have set before you today life and prosperity, and death and adversity…So choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants, by loving the Lord your God, by obeying His voice, and by holding fast to Him"

Deuteronomy 30:15, 19-20

He is asking me once again to choose the narrow road. To choose to give up my wants, my dreams, my own plans and follow Him. It may not be what I want, or how I would choose, but He tells me He knows the bigger picture. He hold my dreams and doesn't forget them. He knows my heart. And I can trust Him with it all. 

Beauty in the Ashes

I've been finding myself bogged down by a lot of things lately. Work, tiredness, discouragement, busyness, and on and on… I've felt like I'm drowning in it.

It's easy to focus on the bad, the hard, the roughness of the day, to miss the gold in the mud and mire.  And in it I miss all the little blessings He has for me.  The laughs of my coworkers, the treasure of lunch with a friend, a quiet evening at home hearing from Your word. I want to see the beauty in these little things.

And so when work is stressful…when my sandwich falls in gravel after only a few bites…when traffic is frustrating…when I spill pizza sauce on white shirt…and all in one day…I will choose to find the joy in the little things. I'm learning to rejoice even when it's hard, even though time and time again I fail.  But praise the Lord that I have a Savior who pours His grace over me, no matter how many times I need it each day.  Each time His mercies are new.  

Contentment.

….and life just keeps getting crazier.

Just when I think I've known a lot of change and things won't surprise me too much, God proves me wrong. He always seems to take me around twists and turns I never expect, pushing me to take blindfolded steps of faith. I know it's good for me, but still my flesh battles within me to be content with all the change.

Contentment.

It seems like such an easy thing. But for me this is a huge battleground that I must face. The temptations come from so many areas. As simple as seeing a picture and wishing I was somewhere other than where the Lord has placed me, or being content at work, or with how He is choosing to use me…and I could go on and on.  I must continually remind myself to "be still and know that He is Lord." Time and time again I must slow my heart down and remember that he is enough.

Just as Psalm 23 says "The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not be in want." I know He is enough. I have all I need in Him, yet why do I keep wishing and wanting more?
I don't know why I forget this so often, but I will keep lifting my eyes up to Him, seeking Him for the power to find my contentment purely in Him.

You called me out upon the water

With an unflinching focus on his Savior, Peter stepped out onto the shifting waves.  "Come" Jesus told him. He knew his King was calling out and knew who it was upon that water.  Comforted by the knowledge of His protection among the storm, Peter obeyed, prompted by His leading.  Almost without thought or reason, but with complete faith, He strode to Jesus' side. But in a flash, this moment of faith faded and Peter's clear and focused gaze shifted. With His Savior's eyes no longer in view, he glanced upon the fierce and powerful storm. And at the same moment his feet began to sink. What was, just a few seconds before such great faith, now became dim and blurred. Calling out for Jesus to save him, the King took ahold of his hand and asked him why he doubted. 

This is me.  I am Peter.

I too stepped out upon that water. My faith firm, my confidence steady in Him. I heard his call and knew I must step out of the protection that the boat provided.  My friends were all in that boat. But with a quick goodbye and one careful step after another, I strided after my Savior. At first my eyes were confident, fixed upon him. But then my thoughts began to waver and my feet, beginning to shake, started to sink.  For a split-second, my eyes looked at the storm. 

Jim shared this verse as we all shared about Faithwalkers on New Year's Eve night and what we learned. He shared about how Peter took a step of faith. He stepped out of the boat. Did he fail a little? Yes. Did he take his eyes off Jesus when he shouldn't have? Yes. But Peter also took a step of faith, he stepped out of the boat. He shared about how it's okay to fail. The Lord is perfect so we don't have to never mess up, but He does ask us to try. To step out of the boat. 

To be honest, I have at times been regretting my step out on the water. I've had my eyes fixed upon the storm and questioned if this is destroying my faith. But Peter's faith, although he faltered for a minute, wasn't destroyed. He kept on trying. He continued to step out of the boat for His Savior. Did he fail some down the road? He did. And I will too. But that's okay because I have a Daddy by my side who holds out his hand and gently picks me back up. He brushes off the dirt and mud caked on my clothes and asks me to keep following Him. Praise the Lord for a loving Father never gives up on us!

The Walking Wounded

"The Walking Wounded"
This is exactly how I feel. Mike said this phrase the other day at the Rock to describe a lot of us who moved here to Lincoln.  Day in and day out the devil hasn't relented. I fight off his attacks and get back up, yet still bruised and bleeding. Walking this road I can't see the end in sight. The pathway goes on with twists and turns that I can't predict. The unknown is scary. We have a Savior by our side that says He hold us in His hands and knows the plans He has for us, and yet my heart still pounds as I curve toward the next bend in the road. My faith still trembles when I know it should stand firm in His promise. Thoughts wander when they should be fixed upon His words.  "We are all just one step away." It sent shivers through me as I heard this from Mike as he was praying. I am just one step away. I am not immune. I am not strong on my own. If I don't seek Him, if I don't pick up my cross, I will be taken out. This is a reality I humbly need to be aware of. Praise the Lord that He is my strength, my help, and my hope!