Do you ever just feel left out? Even when life is full and there is plenty to join in on? There are things you know you're missing out on, and that empty feeling comes lurking back. Tugging your aching heart down with it. I know God has given me a satisfying and full life, and yet I long for more.
The Omaha church is merging their two services together and as excited I am for them, there's also a hollow feeling knowing I'm not apart of this new beginning with them. Life is moving on without me there. I knew it would, but it doesn't hurt any less seeing it happen now. But I must remember that it's not about me, it's about Him. He told us to become less so He could be greater. The last will be first, He said. And yet my selfishness and pride doesn't want to be left out and forgotten. It fights every step of the way off that stage.
Reading this book about this girl who went to Uganda, my heart longs for something crazy like that. With friends in Nepal and hearing so many stories of You in these other countries, it's been on my mind a lot lately. And yet at the same time I know there are so many fears and hardships with it, but still I long for it. I feel restless. Discontent. I long to do something crazy for the Lord (at least for a few months), but yet I know this is where God has me right now. He hasn't called me to leave, at least not right now. And I know He's trying to teach me to be content with Him right where I'm at.
Since moving to Lincoln life feels like it has ramped up 500%. Sometimes looking back to my life in Omaha, I'm so surprised by how much time I had. What the heck was I even doing?! Here I feel like I have hardly any time to do all the things I need to do. At times I wonder if God will really sufficiently supply. I look ahead to this summer and next fall and get so overwhelmed at the path ahead. Are you sure God? Do you realize the challenges I'm going to face? It feels like too much. But He says to me…
"I have led you forty years in the wilderness; your clothes have not worn out on you, and your sandal has not worn out on your foot."
Deuteronomy 29:5
"Are not five sparrows sold for two cents? Yet not one of them is forgotten before God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows."
Luke 12:6-7
He has been supplying my every need so far. Even though at times it might feel like the bare minimum, He has not failed on His promise. And surely He will not for my future. Just as He cares for the sparrows and would never forget them, He will for me too.
"For this commandment which I command you today is not too difficult for you, nor is it out of reach. It is not in heaven, that you should say, ‘Who will go up to heaven for us to get it for us and make us hear it, that we may observe it?’ Nor is it beyond the sea, that you should say, ‘Who will cross the sea for us to get it for us and make us hear it, that we may observe it?’ But the word is very near you, in your mouth and in your heart, that you may observe it.
Deuteronomy 30:11-14
“See, I have set before you today life and prosperity, and death and adversity…So choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants, by loving the Lord your God, by obeying His voice, and by holding fast to Him"
Deuteronomy 30:15, 19-20
He is asking me once again to choose the narrow road. To choose to give up my wants, my dreams, my own plans and follow Him. It may not be what I want, or how I would choose, but He tells me He knows the bigger picture. He hold my dreams and doesn't forget them. He knows my heart. And I can trust Him with it all.
