...Not yet, my love...

Restore. Transform. Revive. God is in the business of mending what was broken.

Recently a friend has had the chance to renew this broken relationship with her brother. I've been watching as shattered pieces of their lives begin to mend. As memories of all those years that went by, disconnected, are revealed. Praying that this man really has changed and that their hearts aren't ever broken by this pain again.

And as I watch my heart is filled with joy at this crumbled relationship starting to be restored. At all these tears that I've watched her shed, being wiped away.  There is this joy, but this sadness fills my eyes as well, as I look up to the Lord and timidly ask Him, "...but when Lord?" He knows why I ask this question.  He knows this pain that still fills my heart. He knows my longing, my pleading for this answer.  Nine years...of waiting, of praying, of trying and failing to be still and trust.

"Not yet, my love," I hear Him gently whisper as I fall to my knees. " Just keep looking to Me." There is no more to say, no more to do, but to trust Him.  And all that's left for me is to keep trying. Not to question His plan or His timing or why not me, but to simply lift my eyes.  My heart struggles to be content as my palms hit the ground and I rise from the cold damp dirt.  My hand wipes away the moisture streaming down my face, only to be replaced by more the next second.  Willing myself to be strong and buck up, all to find myself crumbling once again. I feel anything but strong.

"Remember where your strength begins, meg," He reminds me. Rising to my unsteady legs again I let my fears and doubts seep from my mind into His hears. Petitioning Him for help. One foot in front of the other, marching on ahead toward Him. I will choose to trust.

I don't have to take your heart, I just wanna take your time.

You know what I've realized...I love reading blogs. 

Maybe even more than a good book. 

There's just something about them that's so real, so personal. 

Giving you a little peak into the deeps of that person. 

And I love writing my weird thoughts onto the these "pages" as well.

Time. It's such a weird concept. Some days it feels like it evaporates right from my fingertips, and other days trying to use every power I've got to will it to pass by. Times where I feel like I'm stuck in this period that will never end and others where I can't soak enough of the sunlight in. Lately, it's been the "oh my goodness this day is lasting forever" period of the year. Counting down the days till August when life, and that of those around me, goes back to normal. Or at least what's close to normal. 

It's strange really. I have always loved the summer. Well, I guess it's a love/hate relationship...but still a lot of love there. But this summer, to be honest, has been a completely different story. I feel like I'm caged in, like there are weights around my feet and ties on my hands. Stuck. And on the outside. I miss my friends - who have this busy and insane summer going on, while I feel like I'm sitting and watching from a window in another room. And then there's our new house, right across the street, taunting me every morning and night as I walk to my car. Don't get me wrong, my summer has been full and busy too, but in a different way. But I'm struggling to find the joy in it. 

15 days. I've started a countdown. Sounds pretty pathetic, but I guess whatever works?! I've even told myself..."only one more week really, cause it's only one more full week, and the week after that will be so much easier, so I should just count it as a week." 

And yet while these thoughts run rampant in my head, I can't help but feel the gentle nudge of God. Softly whispering,

Meg. I want to teach you a lesson, love. 

...while my mind continues to think of five other ways I can magically make time move faster. 

I read this part in Spurgeon, and it made me pause.

"When I cry unto thee, then shall mine enemies turn back: this I know; for God is for me." 

-Psalm 56:9

It is impossible for any human speech to express the full meaning of this delightful phrase, "God is for me." He was "for us" before the worlds were made...he was "for us" though we were against Him; he was "for us," when we were ruined in the fall--he has loved us notwithstanding all; he was "for us," when we were rebels against him, and with a high hand were bidding him defiance; he was "for us," or he would not have brought us humbly to seek his face. He has been "for us" in many struggles..."When I cry unto thee, then shall mine enemies be turned back." This is no uncertain hope, but a well grounded assurance--"this I know." 

And I realized something. In this busyness of everyones summer, and often feeling left out or behind, I realized this thinking had come into my relationship with God as well. I felt left behind by Him. I felt like He had forgotten me and left me in the dust. Crushed under my own weaknesses and failures. Like He was more concerned with everyone else's summer and concerns than He was about mine. 

But yet the psalmist said the words..."this I know; for God is for me." ...for ME. Completely opposite of those lies in my head. I can be certain of this truth and this hope. He is for me. He hasn't forgotten, He hasn't lost sight of me, He hasn't left me behind. This whole summer, He's been right there beside me. 

I know this isn't the end of what He wants to teach me through this summer, because I still feeling the lingering feeling, still willing time to keep going...but I'm finding joy in the hope of His words. 

This I know, for God is for me. 

Those days when I miss her.

I feel like there are many memories in my childhood that I can't talk about, that are sad and are left unspoken. Something as little as a country music song, and the memory of riding in that silver ford truck of my sister's, with country tunes playing in the background, goes through my mind. Moments that I wish I could tell the world, share these little pieces of my past. But they come with a sorrowful taste that most people probably don't to hear all the time. And so I bite my tongue, words whispered for only ears of my own. 

But I miss her. And sometimes I just want to be able to remember her.

At the sound of the footsteps coming up the stairs, I quickly topple out of the top of my childhood bunk bed. Peering out of the door, I wait with anticipation, hoping that it's her. I'm not even sure how it happened, the way I came to look up to her so much, but she had become my role model. I adored my big sister, wanted to be just like her. 

As soon as I spotted her, I ran right into that purple carpeted room. Dropping onto the waves of her water bed. I eagerly listened about her day, soaking in each moment I got to spend with her. 

I still remember one night so clearly. Like it was etched in my brain. The regret from it, still flowing through my veins. I begin tossing back and forth trying to fall asleep. Listening to the rhythm of the fan, turning and turning. But then I hear a faint, different sound. And quickly realize it's coming from right beside me. Quietly I hear her sob into her pillow. My young mind turns, debating what I should do. Do I try to comfort her with my ten year old wisdom? I desperately want to be able to help her, to be there for her, but I can't think of what to say or even do. So I do nothing. I lay there, pretending to be asleep, listening to the sound of her cry to sleep. 

Crazy how one moment from so long ago can still be so clear in your mind. How I can still feel this regret, wishing I had comforted her, that I had said something, done something that night. But I think that memory has also changed the way I react now. I don't want to let another opportunity go by where I don't give comfort when needed, or give a listening ear, or say words that need to be said. I can't change how I reacted then, but I can change here and now. I am a woman who makes mistakes, but praise the Lord those mistakes don't define me. 

|| Wanderer ||

A few days ago I ready this verse

"Then all the disciples left Him and fled" Matthew 26:56

I never say this about verses in the Bible, but I really don't like this verse. For two reasons:
Every time I read it, my heart sinks and I wish it weren't true. I want the disciples to be strong enough.  I want them to stand with Jesus.  To be there until the last moment of Him being taken away, but they all fail. They all flee. Every single one of them, even though they said they would not.  I think I dislike this verse so much because it shows our frailties.  The disciples were anything but perfect. In our own flesh we are prone to wander and flee. This verse so clearly reminds me that I am weak and prone to drift on my own.

And second I don't like it because I hate that He stood alone. I know, I know, it was a part of His plan. I get it. But I hate that He had to. The feeling of loneliness is something I struggle with quite a bit. And lately I've been feeling it sneaking back in. The devil knows this and uses it to discourage and distract me from God using me. And often I let Him.  I can be surrounded by people and yet feel so so alone. He lurks in the darkness gripping onto the slightest lie he knows I'll believe.  God has grown and taught me a lot in this area, but it is still something I must daily guard myself against and fight to remember His truth.

But amidst the disheartening words in this verse, there is also encouragement. He has gone before me. He has experienced loneliness like I never have before. He knows this road. He understands the pain. And through this passage, He shows me a way to stand even when I may stand alone. By seeking the help from the One who is able to handle it. And then as I continue reading I see the aftermath of Jesus continuing despite walking the lonely path…salvation for the world. And so I'm left with a heart of thanks and praise to my Savior who walked this road ahead of me and didn't give up.

Hold Him, do not let Him go.

I look ahead at the curves in the road, a sense of dread floods over my thoughts. What lies ahead? Difficulties? Rough places? Springs of water? All of it so unknown. Looking down to my feet I scrape off the caked mud that coats my swollen skin. Few footprints mark this road ahead.  Every groove of each foot showing in the dirt below. Darting my gaze in front of me, almost missing it, I watch Him wind the curve ahead. As He drifts from my view, the tears begin to roll once again down my face. I am reminded yet again that the steps ahead of me are paved by my wonderful, gracious Savior. And with a new sense of determination, I march on ahead, following Him.

The next year of 2015 is in full swing. And life sure hasn't slowed down. God has been doing a lot. We started the CWS back in August, and now 5 months later, He has brought so many people and has done so much. It can be easy to look at the hard things, the difficulties of starting up a group, the loneliness you can feel, get caught up in doubts and fears and forget all of what He has done and is doing. That is what God wants me to focus on.

I read today in Exodus about Moses. He said in Exodus 4:10-12
Then Moses said to the LORD, "Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither recently nor in time past, nor since You have spoken to Your servant; for I am slow of speech and slow of tongue." The Lord said to him, "Who has made man's mouth? Or who makes him mute or deaf, or seeing or blind? Is it not I, even I, the Lord? Now then go, and I, even I, will be with your mouth, and teach you what you are to say."

And then later in Exodus 4:22-23
Then Moses returned to the Lord and said, "O Lord, why have You brought harm to this people? Why did You ever send me? Ever since I cam to Pharaoh to speak in Your name, he has down harm to this people, and You have not delivered Your people at all."

Moses doubted what God had planned. He questioned Him and said, "Why did you ever send me?" I am not less a child of God because I doubt. I am not less in His eyes, but God doesn't want me to focus on those doubts. He wants me to bring them to His feet and wants to teach me how to trust Him. He did have a plan for the Israelites. He did have a plan for Moses. And through the whole thing God wanted to show Moses that His plan can be trusted.

"I have had doubts about God's goodness, doubts about God's love, and doubts about overcoming the stubborn, numerous sins that mar my heart, my character, my relationships, and my witness. Yet, through it all, God, by a miracle of his grace, continues to reveal himself and draw me deeper and closer to him" -Because He Loves Me

I can be encouraged because God does have a plan for me, the CWS group, and Candlewood. And He wants to teach me the same thing, that His plan can be trusted!