Those days when I miss her.

I feel like there are many memories in my childhood that I can't talk about, that are sad and are left unspoken. Something as little as a country music song, and the memory of riding in that silver ford truck of my sister's, with country tunes playing in the background, goes through my mind. Moments that I wish I could tell the world, share these little pieces of my past. But they come with a sorrowful taste that most people probably don't to hear all the time. And so I bite my tongue, words whispered for only ears of my own. 

But I miss her. And sometimes I just want to be able to remember her.

At the sound of the footsteps coming up the stairs, I quickly topple out of the top of my childhood bunk bed. Peering out of the door, I wait with anticipation, hoping that it's her. I'm not even sure how it happened, the way I came to look up to her so much, but she had become my role model. I adored my big sister, wanted to be just like her. 

As soon as I spotted her, I ran right into that purple carpeted room. Dropping onto the waves of her water bed. I eagerly listened about her day, soaking in each moment I got to spend with her. 

I still remember one night so clearly. Like it was etched in my brain. The regret from it, still flowing through my veins. I begin tossing back and forth trying to fall asleep. Listening to the rhythm of the fan, turning and turning. But then I hear a faint, different sound. And quickly realize it's coming from right beside me. Quietly I hear her sob into her pillow. My young mind turns, debating what I should do. Do I try to comfort her with my ten year old wisdom? I desperately want to be able to help her, to be there for her, but I can't think of what to say or even do. So I do nothing. I lay there, pretending to be asleep, listening to the sound of her cry to sleep. 

Crazy how one moment from so long ago can still be so clear in your mind. How I can still feel this regret, wishing I had comforted her, that I had said something, done something that night. But I think that memory has also changed the way I react now. I don't want to let another opportunity go by where I don't give comfort when needed, or give a listening ear, or say words that need to be said. I can't change how I reacted then, but I can change here and now. I am a woman who makes mistakes, but praise the Lord those mistakes don't define me.